One of my Best Friends/cousin texted me today, nothing out of the ordinary but the message caused me to look back. In the message she had attached something I had emailed her before. Part of it read this :
"God already knows I think about how I feel so useless and so ugly at times and how I feel as if there's no one on the world who would want to end up with me as their wife" -December 2007.
It is so crazy how things change I look back in wonder what God was trying to speak to me through those times. When I look back in a journal that dates from 2006-2007 I see a really broken mixed up teenage fragile heart. It is so easy to slip away and forget all that God has done. In 2006 I surrendered my messed up life to Christ, but it took awhile (and still takes awhile) for everything to be laid down. I was so lonely and chasing after the wind. The image of this world was what I was striving for. I was in a battle with the media, a battle with my soul. I would like to share some journal entries
Journal entry from 11/05/06..."Media is the hypnosis of this world. They dig deep, hit you where it hurts, make you feel unpretty, jealous, empty, needy, DEPRESSED but if I'm aware of all of this...how do I even have the nerve to push you away the way I do? How can I claim to love you, yet at the same time be obsessed with how I can make people notice me..."
Or how about this journal entry
11/8/06 " I must admit I have been feeling lonely lately, I guess its because I was reaching out to media and that left me no where but leaning over a toilet puking stressing over clothes, hating my body and my face...wheres the joy in that. The styles will change, my weight will change, my face will wrinkle...theres no contentment in that, only in you.
12/3/07
"It comes as goes as it pleases, reminding me of the grasp the world secretly has on me. It burns and stings staining me with an empty feeling. A thousand voices in my head, telling me of all my bodily flaws its overwhelming, leaving me feeling guilty for eating at all. "...If only I..." statements fill my mind the happiness I hope it will someday bring, but truthfully I know it its empty tunnels of thoughts drowning me. Blocking out Jesus, blocking out you God."
It blows my mind how much I was frozen in this empty cycle, I thought the pain would never ever go away and that I would be stuck there forever, there is a point to me writing all of this, but before I get to it, here is one more:
12/1/07:
"She stares in the mirror unpleased with that she sees
Hoping she'll look tomorrow and not have to fall on her knees ashamed of who she is.
A voice whispers in her ears, chills run down her spine
"Don't you think you're getting fat? Don't eat or it wont stop!"
She pushes the voice away, shoves food down her throat hoping it will shut the voice up
But little did she know, that was its plan as he tries to get to her again
"Look at you, look at those thighs, you'll never look like a model if your stomach hangs like that!"
Tears stream down her face she grabs a cup, her throat begins to burn as the acid makes its way up.
She begins to cry as she fills it up. Its not making her feel better.
She gets addicted and does it all the time, the mirror never seems to stop feeding her all those hurtful lies.
Through it all she never felt full...only empty.
Waiting for someone....anyone..."
God did take away my pain, my scars. Christs blood washed it away. 3 years ago on January 1st 2008, I sat in a room full of my dearest Christian friends and who is now my husband, heart racing and all and told them what I had been battling with. My deepest darkest secret was revealed and man i felt victory through Jesus seeping through my veins. Satan no longer had a hold on me. There are things that will follow me through the rest of life because of the trap i fell into, but I know that every time i feel those things Jesus brought on victory, and he will continue to. Most people who struggle with eating disorders suffer for the rest of their lives, in and out of centers horrible health problems, but Jesus took it all. I didn't have to suffer, I didn't have to go to a center because He brought on healing. In this 2011 I don't want to forget that Jesus is just as much by my side as He was before. I am blessed. We are blessed to have such an amazing Savior.
My soul does magnify
The greatness of the Lord
On me His favor lights
In my Savior I rejoice
He has done mighty things
Holy is His name
All creatures under heav'n
Fear Him whose mercy reigns
He has proven His might
His arm’s outstretched with strength
He has scattered the proud
And brought down all vain conceit
He has lifted the lowly
Brings goodness to the poor
My Savior's love endures
My Savior's Love Endures-JJ Heller
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